How It All Started: Part One

I’ve never considered what I’m going through as a journey; I never called it a journey. All I knew is that I started to notice things, especially during life’s difficult moments. I began to analyze and seek solutions to the deep pain, confusion, and loss I’ve been feeling. It was all about finding relief to alleviate the emotional pain. In late 2019 and early 2020 when COVID-19 hit, I encountered a life-changing experience dealing with narcissism. It was my first time ever hearing the word ‘narcissism’ when I realized that I was dealing with a narcissistic person.  And I’ll be honest with you and with myself too ,it affected me profoundly, both mentally and physically, leading to moments of self-hate and doubt. I remember analyzing situations and the way that narcissistic person treated me, feeling like I was going crazy and just wanting to stop myself from overthinking. I was so overwhelmed with different thoughts, emotions, and fears. This experience has indeed changed and shaped me.

In 2020, I realized something was deeply wrong. I believe four years ago, I didn’t know myself well, and that ignorance led me into a dark place. I felt like I was going crazy, desperate to silence my racing thoughts. I was trapped in a cycle of negative thinking. The  emotional pain inflicted by that man was overwhelming. When COVID-19 forced us to stay home, I felt an unexpected relief. I started to watch YouTube videos about narcissism, self-love and relationships in general, determined to find a way out and to understand why that happened to me !

I owe a big thanks to Matthew Hussey, The life and relationships coach whose videos really spoke to me. Unlike other shallow motivational speakers, he felt genuine and thoughtful. So, At first, I watched his videos because I had time to kill, but soon I found them profoundly helpful. I started jotting down tips, I created a schedule, and marked off days when I wasn’t overwhelmed by sadness. Progress was uneven—sometimes I failed, but other times I achieved small victories.I  even bought a book by Robert Greene to understand how to deal with narcissists, I was  driven by my anger at him and at myself too . I didn’t read much of the book, though, as it was very hard to understand. I began recording my thoughts on my phone, not wanting to forget any insights. I was unaware of the concepts of self-love, self -exploring, consciousness, or mindfulness. To be honest, back then, I didn’t really care about them as much as I do now; I just wanted to ease the emotional pain and self-doubt. Yet, I was instinctively drawn to them. I used to read random things on social media about psychology . I think I always found it interesting and profound, but I never delved deeper or gained a thorough understanding. 

It started in 2021 when I was 21 years old ,since we were forced to stay home. I feel like all I’ve been doing was  noticing and analyzing myself. Since then, I’ve become not just interested, but more like… I don’t know how to describe it… You know that feeling when you’re watching a thrilling series and you just can’t wait to find out what happens next? That’s how I felt when I started immersing myself in the journey of self-exploration… which I didn’t realize at the time was something truly life-changing. Honestly, there were very hard times when my mind felt like a machine working 24/7. It was incredibly difficult, and I wanted to give up many times, but the deep desire to understand myself kept me going every time.And I remember spending hours writing about how I feel and trying to understand the root of the emotions I feel… I used to write in different notebooks.it wasn’t done in an organized manner. Even to this day, my journal writing lacks structure, I write randomly 😆 I think I can improve that though.

And this is how I arrived at this point. Just maybe less than a year  ago, I realized that what  I’ve been going through , which was tough sometimes , is called a journey of healing, self-exploration, and awareness! It’s funny, I didn’t even know  I was on a journey – maybe silly, I know Lol . I might talk about more details  of this journey and my other experiences  and how they’ve impacted and shaped me in part two .

Though it’s still challenging at times, I’m thankful to have been on this healing and discovery journey for three years now. I acknowledge that I’m still learning and very far from being a professional.I also want to mention that I’m currently embarking on a closely related yet distinct journey known as my spiritual journey… and I’m eager to share my stories and thoughts  and updates on this with you .

I need to mention one last thing here: even though I’ve been here for less than two weeks now  when I joined this WP world, I noticed many people sharing what they call their  (healing journey). This was a significant reason why I’m sharing this with you now… I was inspired by them.

Appreciate All the support ❤️

Karla

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